in the departures lounge

So now it’s official: I am leaving Bonn in the end of the month. Next stop India and thereafter… Helsinki?

I have no regrets, but do feel that it is a great pity that this did not work out. There are many people that I will miss terribly and the job itself has a lot of potential. At the same time I haven’t developed during this 6 month period as much as I did e.g. as an Intern and somehow have not been able to perform the way that I feel I should have been. In fact, this job has been slowly eating me, nibbling into my professional confidence and I have to stop it now in order to come of this experience as a winner. I am optimistic about my future and feel very strongly that this is the right thing to do. I have learned a lot about myself and will be sure to do things differently the next time.

I feel exhilarated and exhausted, happy-go-lucky and terribly worried, like an idiot and fantastically courageous…

It is not easy just leaving a permanent job without a new one to jump into. On the other hand it is not so usual to be able to take some time for yourself and not to have to think about that mortgage, child-care etc... Time has become the scarcest of resources for the modern woman. I will use these 2 monthfuls of luxury to the best of my ability and go traveling in India with my soul mate and partner in crime, Jussi. I try not to feel guilty for doing this and make the most of this opportunity for real reflection and serious planning the Future. Maybe that will lead to crafting that infamous Vision; at least I will start off my career a fresh and gather some intellectual/mental/spiritual capital for whatever lies ahead of me. Even if this direction turns out to be wrong I need to take this step if for nothing else than for the sake for having done just that.

It might be easy to put this down into to being young and naïve and having not yet learned that this is as good as it gets. I acknowledge that Life sometimes has to be boring and can even seem unbearably though at times. I don’t expect to be any different from anybody else and don’t have any misconceptions of my possibilities or unreal expectations. At the same time really believe in having great Dreams and expecting nothing but the best from myself. Life in deed is like a box of chocolates and it offers us not only pleasant experiences but also many disappointments ranging from smaller misfortunes of not finding the right flavored chewing gum to serious catastrophes that leave you short of everything. I have to equip myself the best I can to be able to cope with what ever my little earthquakes might turn out to be. Most importantly I must not let any fear of not succeeding keep me from doing new things and embracing challenges. It all comes down to self awareness, -esteem, -confidence. It is also about how you present yourself to others and how that in turn shapes the opportunities around you.

I sometimes think that my biggest tragedy in this life is not having any big tragedies in this life. I have had it very easy and I am grateful for that, but at the same time I feel that I could have done with a bit of a kicking to force me to take control of my own fate. I would also have something concrete as an explanation for feeling insufficient, depressed or just plain lost. But on the other hand self-pity and shifting blame are among the biggest and most common disservices that we do to ourselves. I want to keep away from doing that and take full responsibility for all my actions and decision. I want to be able to look back on my life and say that I might have made some really stupid choices, but at least I made them and did not just go with the flow. I want to take ownership of my own life and be accountable for my actions.

Somebody just wished me good luck and added a Chinese saying: may you live interesting times. I have the feeling that the times ahead of me will turn out to be just that. Someone is singing "I did it my way" along the corridor... and I totally agree with Simon: everything will be alright with me.